I just want to cry

[HerMajesty]

Sunil you are going though so much emotionally draining stuff, if you just want to cry by all means cry. But if God had given up on you, you already would be dead. Cry but do not give up hope.

[White Falcon]

I know how you feel. I feel the same way often. On top of being painful and debilitating, It's such an embarrassing condition. You can't even discuss with hardly anyone....

When I think, "I wish I was dead", I try to correct myself. What I really wish is that I was better. I don't really want to be dead, otherwise I could easily manage that - I certainly have enough pain meds to kill myself! This is also the time when I take those pain meds - I try not to rely on narcotics as they will eventually stop working and they have bad side effects. But when I get to the point where I feel like taking the whole bottle, it's certainly reasonable to take one tablet. I find that I tolerate hydromorpone the best. I take 2 mg plus 325 mg acetominophen (tylenol) and a cup of tea for the caffeine. The caffeine helps to alleviate the stoned/sleepy feeling of the narcotic and is also supposed to help with pain. This combination usually allows me to watch TV without squirming around in misery.

I am lucky to have an excellent doctor who knows I am not a druggie. I take Xyrem at bedtime and at 3 a.m. This medication is very difficult to get as it is a tightly controlled substance. Studies prove that it helps with pain from fibromyalgia, which I also have. I had a sleep study which showed I had 123 micro-arousals during the night, meaning I woke up for just a few seconds and then dozed off again. No stage 3 or 4 sleep. This pattern is seen with chronic pain and depression. The Xyrem is a life-saver for me. It stops the pain and puts me to sleep. If I had to spend my nights tossing and turning in pain, after spending all day in pain, I wouldn't be around anymore. You need to get some relief.

But I still find myself wishing I were dead, as I feel like I have no life, stuck lying around all the time at home. So I try and look at things from a different perspective. My life is still better than millions of women on this planet - I have a clean, quiet, comfy bed; food to eat, medicine, a husband who loves me, and I get to relax and watch TV all day long! How many women working in sweatshops and living in slums would think they'd died and gone to heaven if they had my life?! Also, I bet anyone who is dying of cancer would be happy to trade places, and have constant vaginal pain instead. I know it seems like small consolation, but there are lots of people worse off. Just watch the news. You have to make the best of it. Don't give up. Find what works for you.

[Bobby]

I just want to cry, I feel my life is coming to an end at times, I see no hope. Why does life have to be so difficult God? Why have you given me this hell to suffer and given up on me? I wish I could die.

I've felt the same way you feel... Quite often... Your not alone. I try to laugh it off, I always tell myself "Well you had love for 3 years, your own place for a while, a good job, you've done it all! lol" that always helps me for a little while anyway. Just look back and remember good times and tell yourself there are more ahead.