Letter for Family & Friends

[kathyd]

Hi NYT and everyone.
Thx so much to all who have responded with kind words or advice. It's nice to have people to "talk to" who truly get it. Even my caring PT or a therapist I talk to... can't really get it as they can't feel the level of pain, or the fear about my future that accompanies it.
Things with my husband have improved a bit, but I still avoid discussing my pain issue as I know he turns a deaf ear.
I do see improvement at times,, and then other days my pain is so bad that I am uncertain and fearful, and lonely. Friends my age are working moms and I feel bored, lonely at times.
My Pt still sees improvement, but she says its extremely slow, but sure. She feels the emotional piece will help if I can learn to stop being fearful. I speak to a therapist whose theme is" let the fear go, its not helping," but I don't know how. I expected her to teach me how but after 6 mos Im still fearful!

About NYT's advice, I know I am not easy to be around. I am cranky, and bitter and say things that normally would never come out of my mouth. I was a happy person prior ..
I just had a huge argument with my 22 year old son, relating to our dog .My son is a great kid but he has an argument for everything
(I say black...he says white..) I'm sure those with teen children or young 20's can relate!
Our dog, peed in a big puddle on the kitchen floor recently. I slipped and fell right on my butt. Since then Ive been fearful that this might have set my healing back, tho my PT assures me from her examination
that my Pelvic floor is fine and that more likely, the fear is what could cause pain. ( BTW she is very thorough and more knowledegable of the pelvic anatomy... and my issues... than any doc Ive seen in all these these years)
My fall was a short distance and my knee hit first. There was not a scratch on it.. I agree about the fear. The moment I feel a strong emotion, my pelvic floor throbs.. big time.

We got this dog a year ago, ( our other older dog passed on) and I felt that a new lively dog was just what my family needed. The family loves the dog very much. A few mos later, My daughter found a husky (her dream dog)- online, that she wanted. The kids got so excited that I agreed against my better judgement. One dog is enough.. IMHO for our household. but I gave in.
Months went by and and the dogs were fine, then suddenly our first dog (Theo) began peeing in the house, on our rugs etc and finally the incident in the kitchen..
My husband thankfully understood and moved the dogs to the basement family room (mancave).

I asked that they take the dog to the shelter for a day of free training... to teach him proper behaviors. My husband refused
saying it was prbly just a way of getting us to pay for more training sessions.. I felt upset and disregarded) After all I made the decision allowing them to get the dos ..why couldn't they do this for me?
As time goes by the dog is gradually allowed upstairs more often, and just now was in my way as I was cleaning the kitchen.
My son took a semester off from college and is home. He is a great kid but rarely does much to help around the house. He does currently not have a job, and spends his time working out at the gym. He makes excuses when the subject is brought up. My husband goes easy on him, as have I, as he needs some "down time" after almost 4 years at a very challenging college .. he is experiencing some anxiety of his own.. about his future.
Kids are under much more pressure than they were in my college years.

The bottom line, is my son hurt me deeply by saying that I am critical of the family and the dogs. I feel unwanted anyway and told him so and he responded that Id insulted the family by saying that.
But I honestly feel (tho I know deep down its not true) that they care more for these animals than me.
The kids never ask how I feel. Thankfully my husband does if seem upset. I keep my answer short as I know he wants no details.
Tho I can do many activities I couldn't do a few years ago, my butt stills hurts so badly sometimes I don't know how I can live with it, if things don't improve. I use a rectal supposistory that helps but only stays in if I lie down.. I don't want to spend my days in bed, cause muscles atrophy and weaken and I'm losing my mind with boredom. I had a great and challenging job..pre- mommy days..
I want to be treated with respect and love. I want them to listen to my ideas.
Would it be a good idea to show them Amanda's letter? I fear it would be seen as an attempt at attention or self pity..
I just need understanding. I would consider moving to my moms house, for awhile but she has dementia, and is hard to hold a conversation with anymore. I don't know what to do.. and am now fighting depression. I know my fear is my roadblock (my issues are different than many I've read about on this site), but I don't know what to do.
I feel like Ive tried everything.. Just feeling so alone and hopeless..
Pls help and thx for listening!

[Violet M]

Hi Kathy,

My heart goes out to you as I read your post. Family can be so insensitive at times and I've learned over the years that you can't stake your happiness on how they treat you. I've seen your strength come through in many of your posts on the forum so I know you have it in you to figure out this challenge you are facing.

I suspect your son is feeling badly about the incident too and needs reassurance that you love him. It sounds like basically he is a caring person and you will be able to work this out. It never hurts to be the first person to apologize, even if it wasn't all your fault. I completely agree with you that your son should be taking some of the responsibility in the household chores. One idea might be to make a list of the chores and have a family meeting to divide them up. That way you wouldn't be picking on any one family member but it would be a family agreement. You would probably have to get your husband on board with this before selling it to the kids though. And you would have to present it in a matter-of-fact manner, without any recriminations and without playing the "victim" card. You can let your kids know that it is the loving thing to do to expect them to share in the family responsibilities. You can preface it with a statement that you love all of the family very much and that you are sad that you are unable to perform at your top level due to your illness so you really need all of their help. Just keep stressing how much you love all of them and stay positive but also stress how much you all need to help each other through this difficult time. Kids who have bounderies set on them are actually more secure and happy than kids who get away with anything.

If you aren't sure about sharing the letter, maybe it would be better to bring it up at a later time if the time seems right.

Violet

[kathyd]

Hi Violet,
I came online and saw ur lovely note!
Thanks so much for your thoughtful, great suggestions. I was very touched by ur kindness and understanding which I so needed!
You were right. Later that day, my son came home, hugged me and apologized. I did the same. All was well then. I think he knows how much I love him. I hope so, but as young man, he doesn't like to talk about "feelings" . Still his words reminded me that if I am having a bad day and the kids (tho they are 24,22, and 16) see how bad I feel, it's scary for them, esp. this boy age 22, who is quite sensitive. I don't want to upset them, but yet am looking for emotional support and a hug!!
I am very lucky to have good kids.
Your suggestions are wonderful. I have thought of a chore chart many times and have procrastinated as I feel they may ignore it.
Its hard to institute when they have gotten away with not helping much for years. One reason is the incredible amount of homework the high schoolers get these days, along with sports activities. My older boy (age 24) works full time, and is busy with his social life and is not home often.
The kids say that all their friend's homes are "much worse than ours" and think I"m being silly.
About chores, Hubby is kind of semi- on board, He tells me to be firm about what I want the kids to do, but never tells them to help around the house and rarely does so himself.
He gets the kids to help with the outdoor yard and pool work, but the indoors,he leaves to me. We have a large home so it's a lot of daily work.
I will ask him for his support in a letter , but it has not been not something I can count on. emotionally,
This has been a big source of frustration as he has no clue of the pain we suffer and the uncertainly of the future. This causes fear and anxiety. The latter runs in my family, so he attributes much of my pain to that. This is partly true, and my PT agrees that if I can conquer my fear, I can progress much faster towards healing. She feels it's my biggest hurdle now. I am working on it with a counselor and also with my PT..who is also my confidant. But its not easy! I clench my pelvic Floor automatically, -- a bad habit that developed over years.
Anyhow you know my story...
I will try to come up with a letter and a chore chart as you have suggested, in the manner u suggested , and pray that its received with interest. I need them to know I'm not up to doing all the chores, and a family should be splitting chores. That's how I was brought up.
Thx sooo much.You really understand, and I do appreciate it.
Hugs and blessings to you! I hope u are doing well!

[Violet M]

Hi Kathy,

Well, if the chore chart doesn't work out you could always try the "nuclear option" and just check out from doing any chores yourself for awhile and see how everyone likes that. It would be a bold move and could backfire if you are the only one who ends up being driven crazy by the mess. I don't know....I have some "messies" in my family and it's always a juggling act to figure out how much to bug everyone about keeping the place clean or to just put up with the untidiness. Sounds like you and I are a bit alike in needing things to be orderly but sometimes it just isn't worth the argument and you just have to keep reminding yourself that relationships are more important than a clean house. I have yet to completely learn that lesson though.

Violet

[kathyd]

So True Violet!,
You're right I could try the option u mentioned. But It would take a long time for anyone but me to notice! Hubby would... eventually!!
Meanwhile I would have a hard time looking at it as I'm the one who's home the most, so I would prbl'y give in and clean up.
tho Im not perfect in keeping my room orderly, I like the downstairs tidy in case someone stops by.
From the front door foyer area you can see the kitchen, where the family has hung their jackets on the chairs --instead of the hall closet!
I had an idea for a hall clothing rack/ stand where we could hang jackets..
Hubby was open to it, and has been looking for a decent one. He is as sloppy as the kids,but hopefully he sees my point now, so we'll see. If not, I intend to buy one.
I agree that sometimes its not worth getting upset over, as that leads to resentment and my case --anger ... and pain.
But it can drive you crazy..
my kitchen was spotless early this afternoon .. now the sink is filled with dishes from their snacks. ARRGG!
Guess things have changed since I was a kid. No one was allowed to watch TV until all dishes were washed, dried and put away.
But that was my upbringing. Hubby's was more casual..
I guess I have to pick my battles in order to help with my healing,, but often I feel that disregarding my wishes is a sign of disrespect.
I have this notion that since 'Mom' is currently 'different' and lies down a lot (when in pain)
they don't see me as the authority figure anymore. Tho they come to me when they don't feel well or they feel like talking about something that happened at school or whatever.
Thx again for listening and replying! I think that whatever our situation we want to be treated as a normal family member and with respect!

[Violet M]

Well, I have to agree with you, Kathy. I also see it as disrespectful to leave all of your messes around in someone else's way but unfortunately not everyone sees it that way. I once heard a female psychologist on the radio saying that people who want things clean need to just learn to live with messies -- basically saying it's not fair for cleanies to make messies clean up their messes. It seemed like she was saying that expecting people to clean up after themselves was disrespectful. So, there are people who see things differently than we do, but believe me, I am totally in agreement with you on this. If you ever come up with the perfect solution I would love to know what it is!

Violet

[kathyd]

Me Too Violet, Its nice to hear that someone agrees with me.
I think if everyone just cleans up their own mess -- then problem solved!
No one bothers to do it, tho I hear my 2 neater kids saying the same...
That psychologist must be a "messie" herself! (and maybe not a mom!) LOL!
Have a good weekend!